God's Will?

After trying 3 different types of treatments and trying to wean off steroids only to still suffer in pain, one begins to wonder when will the healing begin? It can be so discouraging and frustrating when you hope this next treatment or this next pill will be the one to relieve you of the pain, but instead you find yourself still suffering. Looking at those around you enjoy the simple things in life like a nice steak, running a 5K without wearing a diaper, or having the energy to make dinner, you can begin to feel angry with your situation.

Once again you find yourself trying to stay positive, telling yourself "choose your attitude," "It can always be worse; you could be in a wheel chair or homeless," and "be faithful, the Lord will provide." It is just tiring when time and time again your faithfulness seems to be unrewarded. You just want to normal, to be healed! You cry out to the Lord, please remove this pain, please heal me!!!

Then it hits you like a pie in the face! Maybe it is not God's will for you to be healed! What??!!! While here on this Earth, it is your task to suffer so that you can help those who suffer. Healing comes when you finally go HOME! Home, where you belong with your Father in Heaven!!

OH HOW I LONG FOR THE DAY WHEN I CAN BE HOME.

Until that day, I will suffer if that is the Lord's will. I will bear this cross he has asked me to carry. I know he will never give me more than I can handle, and I know he will always get me through the lonely, painful night. How do I know? He has proven himself over and over to me. Though I suffer in pain, he is always there giving me the "strength to faithen me." Though I suffer, it has been through my suffering that I have been blessed! Blessed with a stronger and closer relationship with God. Blessed with the message of hope and faith to pass along to those in similar situations. Blessed to meet wonderful people and be able to tell them that it will be ok!

It may not be God's will for me to be healed, but I know I will continue to follow him. I will hold fast to his promises and look forward to my day of ultimate healing! I am so excited for that day!

One of my favorite passages which I cling to:

The God of All Comfort

³Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.⁵For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. ⁶If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. ⁷And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

⁸We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. ⁹Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. ¹⁰He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, ¹¹as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our^{a]" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

2 Corinthians 1: 3-11

Try Try Again

It just goes to show that if at first you try a new modern technique class and fail miserably that you should try again. Apprehensive, I went to my second dance class tonight. It was wonderful! There was a different teacher (they do teacher rotations) and she spoke my "dance language." (The way she spoke kind of reminded me of Anne Hathaway too...) I actually enjoyed dance again. I met the other girls in the class and everyone is so lovely. It was a beautiful evening, and I am so glad I decided to put my pride aside and give it another shot.

So once again God has used my unpleasant situation for the good because I got out of his way and let him do his thing. I can use my talents to praise his name!

Jeremiah 31:13
Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

Another Lesson Learned

So today was another learning experience for me, not to mention a humbling one as well. I finally got the opportunity to go to the modern technique class I have been wanting to go to all summer. I was so excited about going and getting back into dance again. Plus, it has just been a stressful week and dance is my outlet that usually makes me feel better when everything in my life sucks. With my Crohn's I have not been able to have that outlet for about a year and a half.

I went to the class and in the beginning it was not so bad. We did different stretch combinations and a ton of crunches / pushups (I found I have little arm strength). I am a little out of shape in dance terms. My balance is not as good as it used to be and my technique is a little off. That is to be expected though when my muscles have basically been laying around for a year for lack of energy to move. After stretching came the dance combinations across the floor. It was like my mind and body were at opposite ends of the world. I could not get my mind to remember the combinations of moves and my body did the move half assed or just skipped the move completely. Let's just say it was quite the blow to the confidence. I am used to being on of the better dancers in the class not the worst, and I am used to actually enjoying dance. The instructor was moving through things too fast and a lot of these moves were new to me too. It was a frustrating experience. I knew going in that my body was not going to behave the same as it did in my "dancer's prime" but I didn't think it would be this bad.

So I left class feeling a little beat up. Not only do I have to struggle with my body image being totally distorted because of my medicine, I did not even enjoy something that I am very passionate about. It was a bitter sweet night for me.

On the way home I discussed this with God. I knew the devil's work was at hand, and he was trying to steal my joy. I was not wanting him to win this battle. So I cried it out, and I came to the conclusion that it's just going to take time to get back to where I once was. I have to keep trying and move on. Push through the crap. I may come out a little stinky, but I will be a little stronger in the end as well. I put on my praise music, and I praised the Lord in this unexpected circumstance. When I returned to my apartment I danced for him and for my enjoyment.

I'm going to keep dancing and I'm going to enjoy it dang it!

So the lessons in all of this for me is that 1) I am not always going to be the best 2) I have to work for everything I have or want to have 3) Nothing is ever easy 4) Continue to praise God in every circumstance, and with him I will prevail!

The Tracking System

http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/health/97775189.html?page=2&c=y

What an inspiration. I love to hear Crohnies not giving up on life and seeing the sunshine through the rain. This disease can really get you down, but its those that refuse to give up on living that continue to inspire me to do the same.

Speaking of seeing the sunshine through the rain, my life seems to be full of sunshine lately. I'm soaking up the sun as much as I can too!! I am just so blessed. I have a wonderful job where I work with wonderful people, I just got an '09 Malibu (his name is Marty), I got a free upgrade on my cell phone, I will be moving into my first apartment at the end of July, just bought my first mattress set (b/c I would have had nothing to sleep on otherwise), and my Crohn's has been in remission going on three weeks now!!! Everything seems to be coming together. I will say it again. I am so BLESSED!! PRAISE BE TO GOD!!

Having so much, I feel like something bad is going to happen. How can I deserve all these wonderful blessings, and I haven't even listed all of the blessings in my life even! I am reminded of a sermon my pastor preached on a month or so ago. He spoke about how some people think the life is full of peaks and valleys. Sometimes life is good and sometimes life is bad. He went on to talk about how someone viewed life's "ups and downs" as more like train tracks. The good and bad run side by side. Though you have good things happening in your life, you will have some not so good things happening in your life as well.

I found this concept to be interesting. I think there is a lot of merit to it as well. For me, I am blessed every day with wonderful blessings, but I have to live with Crohn's disease every day as well. So just as I have good in my life, I have bad too. The good news is that we can stay on the tracks because life is balanced by the parallelism. Maybe if we focus more on the blessings the negative side of the tracks won't seem so daunting, but just a part of life. Is any of this making sense or am I just speaking in circles. (haha speaking in circles when I'm talking about staying on track- No wonder my head hurts)

Though I may not always make sense, I hope you are able to find some sort of encouragement through this blog. After all that's what it is here for. Even if you gain it from making fun of my randomness, as long as you can smile at the end of the day and know that you are blessed, that's all that really matters.

God is so funny: Devotion for the day- "A Blessing in Disguise"

"Remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than receive."-Acts 20:35

[The story was about a woman who could not afford her $3.48 grocery bill as she only had $3.00. The woman in line behind her gave a dollar so the first woman could keep her eggs that she desperately needed. "What my new friend didn't realize was that at that moment, I was being blessed. I often think of that woman and wish she could know that although I helped her only momentarily, she permanently blessed me. She gave me the satisfaction of knowing that, even if only for a while, my giving can make a difference for others as Christ has made a difference for me." ] (The Upper Room)

Funny Photos

I found these on the Facebook group 1,000,000 People to Find a cure for Crohns Disease. If you want to join go to:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/1000000-People-to-Find-a-cure-for-Crohns-Disease/191820610977?filter=2

I thought they were funny. If you think about it, this disease is pretty funny. A disease that makes you poop! Come on...really??!! LOL!!

Finding the Humor

So I'm sitting on the toilet (go figure) at work and the stall next to me happens to be occupied as well. We seem to be having the same issues...if you catch my drift. (I hope you don't because it probably isn't very pleasant. ;) Anyway, she makes an awkward squishy fart sound, and then I return with a similar one only louder and a little longer. It is almost as if we are battling it out. I obviously win having Crohn's and being a pro at this type of bodily function. She finishes up as I continue. It’s as if she wishes to leave pretty hastily.

Alone again in my agony, I continue with what seems like a never ending conversation with God of why am "cursed/ blessed" with this disease? I have felt awful all day, and I am tired of being sick day in and day out. As I complain once again about my insufficient problems, a humorous thought pops into my head. Can it be? Can I find humor in this embarrassing and painful disease? (Well of course, I have a great sense of humor!)

If you think about it, it's probably more embarrassing for the person sitting in the stall next to me to listen to me go to the bathroom than it really is for me to actually have to go. Think of it as that spider is more afraid of you then you really should be of it. (I almost got attacked by one last night! No worries, I swept it up with my sweeper!) I don't know? Just sitting there and thinking that they are probably embarrassed, and I am totally beating them with these awesomely, disgusting squishy fart sounds is really kind of funny. Farts in general are funny...at least to me. That thought just kind of made me chuckle to myself a little. It might not be as funny to you as it was to me, but the next time you're dropping a deuce in a stall next to someone else try to put yourself in their...stall... ;) who knows, it might bring a chuckle to your already eventful bathroom experience.

Encouraging Words:

The humble will see their God at work and be glad. Let all who seek God's help be encouraged.

~ Psalm 69:32, NLT

Leaning on the everlasting arms

God loves me

I have a wonderful support system of family and friends

I will be graduating in two weeks

I have a job out of college

I have everything I need and then some

Trying to stay focused on the blessings!!

I wanted to complain but after receiving some text messages of support and refocusing on my many blessings I am starting to feel a little better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4ZyvA3UefY

Carry Me Through-Dave Barnes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCh-UoyILVc

A Message of Cheer: Hope is Faith

Hope sees sunshine through the clouds and rainbows in the rain

Hope gives us strength to travel on when the struggle seems in vain

Hope looks ahead to better things when a dream we had is gone

Hope is faith that on the darkest night there will be a brighter dawn

-Mary Alice Michaels

I received this message in a card. I thought it fit in perfectly with my blog and was just I needed this week!! I hope it inspires you as much as it has done for me. God Bless!

Wondering Why??

So I have been feeling really good for the majority of this year, but all of a sudden things are beginning to change. Why? I don't understand. Why are my symptoms coming back? Why has it taken so long to get my new treatment in place? Why has no one called me to set up an appointment to start my treatment? Why does everything have to be so difficult? Why do I worry so much? Why do I have a disease that gets worse when I worry so much? It does not make sense.

The sermon on Sunday was about not having fear. The scripture read referenced the story of Jesus sleeping on a boat, while the disciples feared for their lives in the raging storm. Jesus asked them after being woken up, "Why are you afraid?" Then with his mighty powers he calmed the sea. Matthew 8:27.

This put things into perspective for me because last week I had been worrying a lot about my future. You know, all the stuff that I can't control, but like to make myself sick thinking about it anyway. So I had decided to give it all to the Lord and let him take care of it. I was kind of hoping he would take away the storm, not let one brew. I know sometimes life just sucks and things just happen. God doesn't necessarily cause bad things to happen, but he may allow them to happen. I guess its some sort of character building test thing he likes me to gain from his allowances. But really God? Is this suppose to teach me to not have what I want? To not enjoy eating the foods I enjoy? Stop teasing me. I hate being "normal" one minute and then the next I have to put myself in a glass box and watch people have a "normal" life.

I know it probably sounds like I'm complaining. I may be a little bit. It is just depressing and discouraging when I have been feeling well and all of a sudden I am sick again...or on my way to being sick again. I am weary, and God I need you to carry my burden again. Wrap me in your arms and make me better again. Heal me please I cry out to you! I need your comfort and your strength. I can't do this alone. Please, Father let your will be done. Yours is the kingdom, power, and glory forever! Amen.

It's me. It's me oh Lord, standing in the need of prayer!

Encouraging Word:

They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the LORD to care for them.

~ Psalm 112:7, NLT

Looking for some Sunshine

Do you ever just feel like saying "Screw it all!"? Do you ever get tired of learning lessons about being patient? Do you just get sick of trying to be positive about everything?? Well in case you couldn't tell, that's how I'm feeling right now. I swear I am about to break. I'm at my bursting point. For your sake, I'm trying to hold it together. I don't like being out of control or feeling like I'm about to lose control. Sometimes though, I just get sick of it all. I'm sick of all the life lessons, of all the waiting, of the being nice to people. I know this sounds really crappy of me, especially when this blog is about being positive and trying to maintain a good attitude through the crap. Today, I'm just finding it difficult to see the sun. It sucks too, because it is a beautiful day outside. I got to see my amazing boyfriend and hang out with my best friend. The crappy things that have happened today haven't even been that bad. Trust me I've been through a lot of awful times and today can't even compare. I don't know. I'm just out of sorts I guess. You ever feel that way? I'm so ready for this break. I need to see my family. I miss them so much. Well good, I'm finally crying now. Maybe that will make me feel better. If you have any encouraging words, please feel free to leave them in the comment box below. I'm out.

Encouraging Words:

"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you." Isaiah 43:2

Just Be Yourself. You Are Wonderful!

Just Be Yourself. You Are Wonderful! What a wonderful fortune to receive in a cookie. It definitely couldn't have come at a better time for me. Being on medication that alters my appearance has been difficult for me. I look into the mirror, and I do not recognize myself. The shape of my face has changed, my skin has changed, and I have gained weight in places I do not want to gain weight. I'm sure many of you have looked into a mirror and picked yourself a part like I have.

When I think about it though, it is really...well vain. After all, my health is more important than my looks. I should not be focusing on my appearance, but instead be focusing on the fact that I can live a more normal life now. I am getting stronger and healthier. Besides, looks are fleeting. People still love me, and they think I am a beautiful person regardless of how my medication has affected my appearance. That is what is important. I am loved for the person I am, not for what I look like. Those that only focus on looks...well they're missing out. So I encourage you the next time you feel less than beautiful to remember to just be yourself because YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!

Encouraging Words

What matters is not your outer appearance--the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes--but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. 1 Peter 3:3-4

We Have So Much

My friend just returned with her boyfriend who is a doctor. He just returned from Haiti where he was one of the few doctors helping the many in need. I cannot even fathom what it would be like to be in Haiti for mission work let alone be a Haitian during a time like this. I was allowed to look through a Time magazine that he picked up at the airport. This magazine contained photos with sub captions describing the horrific photos. Tens of thousands have lost their lives, and their bodies will never be identified. Nearly half of Haiti's population is now under 18 years old. They are left without sufficient supplies of fresh food, water, clothes, and many basic needs. This is a horrible tragedy that has fallen (no pun intended) on this country.

Despite this tragedy, survivors can be seen in this Time magazine attending a Sunday morning Mass outside a badly damaged National Cathedral. Other pictures portray the injured receiving treatment and survivors praying and thanking God for their lives. In this incredible time of sadness, the people are still praising the Lord! Everything they have has just been destroyed and buried. Yet they are still choosing to keep their faith in God and praise him! That amazes me!!

We all go through our own life's tragedies and sufferings. If there is one thing I have learned from these Haitians is that the Lord is always with us and we need to continue to praise him for the blessings we have... even if it is as simple as being alive.

If you are reading this, please take some time to count the many blessings you have and praise the Lord for placing them in your life.

There Will Be a Day

I was listening to Air1.com, and I heard the song “There will be a day” by Jeremy Camp. I love the lyrics of this song! It reminds us that our life here on earth is just temporary. All the pain and suffering we are going through will not last. There will be a day when we get to see JESUS face to face!! I find that so exciting!! I long for the day when I get to go to my real home in heaven and be in eternal peace. Until then, I will hold onto Jesus always!! I know that whatever tomorrow brings I am never alone because the Lord is with me, and he will carry my burdens.

Here is the link to the song with lyrics. It's very powerful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TipLsmZgjI

Encouraging Words:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Searching for Sunshine

I feel so alone. I am scared, and I do not know what to do. So many decisions to make that will influence my life forever. In the conflict world this would be called Avoidance-Avoidance Conflict. I have two options to choose from and they both SUCK! It is difficult to focus on the positive things in life when you feel like there is an overstuffed black cloud following you around all day. Where is the Sunshine?? I keep looking up hoping to see a sliver of it peering through the bleakness that surrounds me. The funny thing is no one will know I am feeling like this...well except the few that will read this blog. I have a group meeting in about fifteen minutes. I will dry my tears, put a smile on my face, and no one will be the wiser that I am falling apart on the inside. Thank God I have God! If I did not know that He will give me the strength to get through these emo feelings I do not think I would be able to walk out the door with a positive attitude. I know there is hope for tomorrow, and I know I will survive. I will not let THIS define me. I will not let THIS ruin my day! I guess sometimes you have to be the Sunshine in your own life...

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me STRENGTH!" Philippians 4:13

Just Keep Swimming

Tonight I was feeling frustrated with a professor who, for three hours, spoke about nothing. I felt like three hours of my life had been wasted. I kept waiting for him to make a point, and I tried oh so hard to put meaning to his words. Unfortunately, no such meaning was found. I walked out of the class feeling frustrated and annoyed. As the night progressed, I began to ponder about my feelings. Why was I letting such an insignificant event ruin my evening and dictate my mood? Life is too short and there are far greater things to spend my mood swings on than a stupid three hour class. When I put this evening in perspective, I realized this was not something to waste time sulking over. I had to remind myself to count my blessings and focus on what is really important in life.

I guess my point is to not let the little; unimportant things in life get you down. Move on. Focus on the things in life that really matter. Focus on all the blessings the Lord has given you, and you will be able to get through anything!

I am reminded of a favorite movie quote from Finding Nemo. Dory says, "When life gets you down, you know watcha gotta do? Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming."

Bible verse of the day: Romans 5:3-4

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

My Sunshine through the Rain

Imagine a toxic waste dump. That is the best way to describe what I feel like all day, every day for a month when I suffer from a flare up. That's what the doctor’s call that painful time period when my Crohn's Disease comes out of remission. I am 21 and a senior in college. I have had the symptoms of Ulcerative Colitis/ Crohn's for a year and a half. Crohn's Disease is a "chronic inflammatory disease of the intestines. It primarily causes ulcerations (breaks in the lining) of the small and large intestines, but can affect the digestive system anywhere from the mouth to the anus." http://www.medicinenet.com/crohns_disease/article.htm#what There is no cure.

Since then, I have been in and out of the hospital four times, had three colonoscopies, had one Barium X-Ray, and had four months of flare ups. I do not tell you this so I can get your sympathy; I tell you this because it is important background information for the important part of this blog. The "sunshine through the rain" part.

To gain credibility, I feel it is necessary to discuss with you to some extent my pain. I do this because through my pain, I have learned so much as an individual. When I have a flare up I suffer with extreme fatigue, dehydration, abdominal pain, rectal bleeding, hemorrhoids, loss of appetite, weight loss, and I just feel like a big pile of crap. You go to the bathroom constantly and it is so painful I can't even explain. (You probably don't want me to) Usually the only way to find some relief is to lie in a bathtub or just let the hot shower water run over my abdomen.

These times can be very lonely for me. No one around me really knows how I feel or what I am going through. These are my "self growing" moments. These are the moments when I am so glad I have a relationship with the Lord. Through him I have the strength to get through one minute, one hour, and one day at a time. I have hope that the painful moments I go through will pass, and I will get better again. I have learned patience and my faith in the Lord has been strengthened. I may not understand why I have to carry this cross, but this is my suffering here on Earth. I feel that if Job can suffer through losing everything he owned, loved, and ever knew and still praised the Lord then so can I.

I leave you with this thought. Everyday is a blessing. You choose what your attitude is going to be. I challenge you to focus on the blessing of your life rather than focus on the dampness of the rain drops. For me, my blessings are my family, boyfriend, friends, and RA staff who are so supportive, understanding, and encouraging to me. Despite the occasional accidents in my pants they still love me and laugh with me! They are my sunshine!

The Anonymous Life of an RA

Being an RA it is important to keep my identity and the identity of my fellow RAs anonymous.

So all the the names will be changed in order to preserve this special way of life we as RAs live.

Tonight an incredible event took place in the lobby of our building...The Roommate Game! It is similar to the Newlywed Game. Well this being the first time this event has taken place, you know it could not have gone on without a little miscommunication, LOUD NOISES, and "what the heck is going on?" question from being asked. Poor Lexington Steel had to try to add all of the points up. You don't even want me to explain that situation... The game progressed and an hour later was finally completed. The completion of this event is the best part for RAs. Why you ask? Because we all get to sit around and make fun of our residents or the events that took place at our event.

So now that we are at the best part of our event, we are sitting in the lobby discussing it. Our RD and her husband are taking it for themselves. It is funny to watch them bicker from across the room. Lexington Steel and Mr. Policeman just returned from a round. Lip Gloss Girl and Candle Sniffer are sitting on the couch arguing about answering the questions from the game. If you only you could see it. I am not giving it justice. In fact this is the most boring blog I have written, and I am apologizing now. Sorry it's too late for you to turn back.

Lip Gloss Girl just told me a story about a girl who got high off sucking Are sol cans. I am now changing her name to Foxy and Candle Sniffer just confessed her mom makes her daughter get high. Candle sniffer is now You Ain't Nothin' but a Hound Dog.

THE AFTER PARTY:

TACO BELL RUN!!! Not for me. I'm at the desk :( But Lexington Steel will pick me up something...I'm craving a Crunch Wrap Supreme...yum. I love Santa Claus Money!! Thanks Lexington Steel for buying.

Foxy just said, "His head is too big for Lexington Steel to be that little" He lost weight this summer from running.

Lexington Steel just tried to throw food in his mouth, but instead he missed the fruit and fell backwards into a chair. sshhh don't tell the public!

Lexington Steel lost in a dance off to a person who had DS. hahahaha good story. That's all I can say.

WORDS OF THE DAY-

Shovel face: looks like you got hit in the face with a shovel. -Lexington Steel

Well hello there!

Welcome to my very first blogging experience. I will be using this cyber space to provide an environment that is uplifting and encouraging. Everyone suffers. Everyone has a cross to bear. This is a place where we can come together and support one another through our personal life tragedies. I hope I can provide some inspiration and hope for you to continue to push through the long days that seem hopeless. You will get through this time in your life and there will be sunshine at the end of the day.