Never Trust a Fart - The full chapter.

Chapter 1:  Never Trust a Fart

Never trust a fart.  I first heard those words in the movie “The Bucket List.”  As the quote goes, “Never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart.”  If I was a man, I would totally agree with all three statements.  However, being a woman with Crohn’s disease, the first and the third statement hold as sound advice for me. 

After my first sharting experience, I started taking this advice more seriously.  If you have ever shit your pants, you understand why.  It is not a pleasant experience…no matter how much or little fecal comes out with your fart.  Just to be clear though, shitting your pants and sharting are two completely different experiences.  Sharting leaves room for prevention, whereas shitting your pants usually means you had no other option.  So seeing that I was having enough issues with making it to the bathroom on time, without having to fart, I took no chances.  When that familiar pressure started pushing its way through my intestine, you better believe I was headed for a toilet.  Prevention was key!

Now that I have an ostomy, I no longer have to worry about such things as running to the bathroom.  However, the advice of ‘never trust a fart’ still holds true.   Farting is probably more of an issue now.  The once familiar pressure no longer accompanies the gas and the next thing you know you are talking to a coworker and you let one rip….awkward!  At least the first time.  After that first ‘cut’ one of two reactions   occur.  One, you just keep on talking and act like nothing happen. “Did you hear anything?”  “No I didn’t hear anything?”  Or two, you both just start laughing because the sound it makes is hilarious and you both still are immature in the gas department.

I can’t help it, when someone releases a fine fart that sounds like a trumpet has been shoved up someone’s butt, I have to laugh.  Sometimes, I am a little jealous that my fart sounds are not as controllable as someone who has a rectum connected to their intestine.  I feel like they can get more depth and have a little bit more control.  Mine pretty much sound like someone puffing against skin.  You know what I mean?  When you put your mouth on a kids belly and make that funny sound to get them to laugh.  That’s kind of what mine sounds like.  Sorry if that moment is now ruined for you!  Anyway, my friends and I still share some good laughs when gas randomly passes through my stoma at usually the improper moment.

Not only do I miss the sounds that a normal butthole can make, but I also miss that feeling of release one gets with the passing of gas.   Sometimes, I just miss letting a big one rip! Not your crop duster, but the loud and proud release of pressure that leaves your feeling relieved. If you are not affected by IBD, enjoy that feeling. If you have IBD, NEVER trust a fart!