Searching for Sunshine

I feel so alone. I am scared, and I do not know what to do. So many decisions to make that will influence my life forever. In the conflict world this would be called Avoidance-Avoidance Conflict. I have two options to choose from and they both SUCK! It is difficult to focus on the positive things in life when you feel like there is an overstuffed black cloud following you around all day. Where is the Sunshine?? I keep looking up hoping to see a sliver of it peering through the bleakness that surrounds me. The funny thing is no one will know I am feeling like this...well except the few that will read this blog. I have a group meeting in about fifteen minutes. I will dry my tears, put a smile on my face, and no one will be the wiser that I am falling apart on the inside. Thank God I have God! If I did not know that He will give me the strength to get through these emo feelings I do not think I would be able to walk out the door with a positive attitude. I know there is hope for tomorrow, and I know I will survive. I will not let THIS define me. I will not let THIS ruin my day! I guess sometimes you have to be the Sunshine in your own life...

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me STRENGTH!" Philippians 4:13

Just Keep Swimming

Tonight I was feeling frustrated with a professor who, for three hours, spoke about nothing. I felt like three hours of my life had been wasted. I kept waiting for him to make a point, and I tried oh so hard to put meaning to his words. Unfortunately, no such meaning was found. I walked out of the class feeling frustrated and annoyed. As the night progressed, I began to ponder about my feelings. Why was I letting such an insignificant event ruin my evening and dictate my mood? Life is too short and there are far greater things to spend my mood swings on than a stupid three hour class. When I put this evening in perspective, I realized this was not something to waste time sulking over. I had to remind myself to count my blessings and focus on what is really important in life.

I guess my point is to not let the little; unimportant things in life get you down. Move on. Focus on the things in life that really matter. Focus on all the blessings the Lord has given you, and you will be able to get through anything!

I am reminded of a favorite movie quote from Finding Nemo. Dory says, "When life gets you down, you know watcha gotta do? Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming."

Bible verse of the day: Romans 5:3-4

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

My Sunshine through the Rain

Imagine a toxic waste dump. That is the best way to describe what I feel like all day, every day for a month when I suffer from a flare up. That's what the doctor’s call that painful time period when my Crohn's Disease comes out of remission. I am 21 and a senior in college. I have had the symptoms of Ulcerative Colitis/ Crohn's for a year and a half. Crohn's Disease is a "chronic inflammatory disease of the intestines. It primarily causes ulcerations (breaks in the lining) of the small and large intestines, but can affect the digestive system anywhere from the mouth to the anus." http://www.medicinenet.com/crohns_disease/article.htm#what There is no cure.

Since then, I have been in and out of the hospital four times, had three colonoscopies, had one Barium X-Ray, and had four months of flare ups. I do not tell you this so I can get your sympathy; I tell you this because it is important background information for the important part of this blog. The "sunshine through the rain" part.

To gain credibility, I feel it is necessary to discuss with you to some extent my pain. I do this because through my pain, I have learned so much as an individual. When I have a flare up I suffer with extreme fatigue, dehydration, abdominal pain, rectal bleeding, hemorrhoids, loss of appetite, weight loss, and I just feel like a big pile of crap. You go to the bathroom constantly and it is so painful I can't even explain. (You probably don't want me to) Usually the only way to find some relief is to lie in a bathtub or just let the hot shower water run over my abdomen.

These times can be very lonely for me. No one around me really knows how I feel or what I am going through. These are my "self growing" moments. These are the moments when I am so glad I have a relationship with the Lord. Through him I have the strength to get through one minute, one hour, and one day at a time. I have hope that the painful moments I go through will pass, and I will get better again. I have learned patience and my faith in the Lord has been strengthened. I may not understand why I have to carry this cross, but this is my suffering here on Earth. I feel that if Job can suffer through losing everything he owned, loved, and ever knew and still praised the Lord then so can I.

I leave you with this thought. Everyday is a blessing. You choose what your attitude is going to be. I challenge you to focus on the blessing of your life rather than focus on the dampness of the rain drops. For me, my blessings are my family, boyfriend, friends, and RA staff who are so supportive, understanding, and encouraging to me. Despite the occasional accidents in my pants they still love me and laugh with me! They are my sunshine!

The Anonymous Life of an RA

Being an RA it is important to keep my identity and the identity of my fellow RAs anonymous.

So all the the names will be changed in order to preserve this special way of life we as RAs live.

Tonight an incredible event took place in the lobby of our building...The Roommate Game! It is similar to the Newlywed Game. Well this being the first time this event has taken place, you know it could not have gone on without a little miscommunication, LOUD NOISES, and "what the heck is going on?" question from being asked. Poor Lexington Steel had to try to add all of the points up. You don't even want me to explain that situation... The game progressed and an hour later was finally completed. The completion of this event is the best part for RAs. Why you ask? Because we all get to sit around and make fun of our residents or the events that took place at our event.

So now that we are at the best part of our event, we are sitting in the lobby discussing it. Our RD and her husband are taking it for themselves. It is funny to watch them bicker from across the room. Lexington Steel and Mr. Policeman just returned from a round. Lip Gloss Girl and Candle Sniffer are sitting on the couch arguing about answering the questions from the game. If you only you could see it. I am not giving it justice. In fact this is the most boring blog I have written, and I am apologizing now. Sorry it's too late for you to turn back.

Lip Gloss Girl just told me a story about a girl who got high off sucking Are sol cans. I am now changing her name to Foxy and Candle Sniffer just confessed her mom makes her daughter get high. Candle sniffer is now You Ain't Nothin' but a Hound Dog.

THE AFTER PARTY:

TACO BELL RUN!!! Not for me. I'm at the desk :( But Lexington Steel will pick me up something...I'm craving a Crunch Wrap Supreme...yum. I love Santa Claus Money!! Thanks Lexington Steel for buying.

Foxy just said, "His head is too big for Lexington Steel to be that little" He lost weight this summer from running.

Lexington Steel just tried to throw food in his mouth, but instead he missed the fruit and fell backwards into a chair. sshhh don't tell the public!

Lexington Steel lost in a dance off to a person who had DS. hahahaha good story. That's all I can say.

WORDS OF THE DAY-

Shovel face: looks like you got hit in the face with a shovel. -Lexington Steel

Well hello there!

Welcome to my very first blogging experience. I will be using this cyber space to provide an environment that is uplifting and encouraging. Everyone suffers. Everyone has a cross to bear. This is a place where we can come together and support one another through our personal life tragedies. I hope I can provide some inspiration and hope for you to continue to push through the long days that seem hopeless. You will get through this time in your life and there will be sunshine at the end of the day.