Subtle Reminders

"For I know the plans I have for you, " declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

Today, God held me. He reminded me of his wondrous love and his never failing promises. Today, God reminded me he is hears my cries. He sees me. He knows me. Today was beautiful.

Today, I awoke with a heavy heart. I had finally been alone. I had finally been free to focus on the reality of my life; I have an incurable disease and my body rejects everything that is supposed to "help" it. As I laid in bed reminiscing over the past five years, the pain and memories I had tried so hard to suppress were creeping back into my mind. The moment I found out I had Crohn's Disease, the shingles, the anaphylactic shock, the accidents, the lonely painful nights, it was all there staring me in the face.

The alarm went off. As usual, I pulled myself together as I pulled myself out of bed. It was time to face another day. It was time to be strong, keep calm, and carry on. It was time for church.

I walked into church, found my pew near the front, and sat by myself. A woman I am close to asked me if I was ok. I explained that I was hanging in there and my medications were no longer working, but I am fine. I will be fine. Church began to start and another family moved in to the pew to sit next to me. We rolled through the announcements, greeting, a praise song, children's time, and now it was time to offer up prayer requests. As I stood up to ask for prayer for strength, hope, and healing, I broke. I didn't expect this and I didn't want to, but I couldn't hold back the pain and frustration any longer. I cried. I cried my way through a prayer request and sat back down in my pew. What happened next was beautiful.

As I cried, alone, I felt a hand on my back. It was the woman behind me offering a comforting rub on my back. Another woman sitting a few rows ahead of me came to me and hugged me. She understood. Another man, in the row ahead of me told me loved me and is praying for me. God was there. He was reminding me.

During another praise song, the man with the family sitting next to me held me as I cried. He offered to pray for me after church. I accepted.

Church went on and ended. Some more people came to me and held me as I cried and explained the heart break I was feeling. The hopelessness. The fear. They cried with me. God was there. He was reminding me.

After church, I met up with the man. He took me to the prayer room and told me he felt the presence of God during the praise song when I cried in his arms. He felt God calling him to pray for heeling over me. He told me God has asked him to do this over others and he told me their miraculous results. We prayed. We prayed with all our might and faith. We prayed for God's will to be done and for healing and comfort. God was there. He was reminding me.

God is real. He is alive. I know him. I feel him. He was here with me today. He was in every hug, every tear, and every comforting word. Today, I was held by the arms of God. He was reminding me. He was reminding me that he loves me! He has not forgotten me and he sees my tears. He was reminding me that he does have plans for me and he will keep his promises. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He will never turn his back on me. God loves me. Today, God was there. God was reminding me.

I don't know what my future holds.  What I do know, is God will be there every step of the way. I am not alone. I believe God has the power to heal me, if that is his will. If his will is to use my suffering for his glory. I will follow his will. I have accepted that path and will take it where ever it leads. In the end, I will be healed and God's glory will shine through me.  All I need to do is hold on to the Promises.

"Hold On to the Promises" by Santcus Real

Surviving Crohn's 101: A Survival Guide for New Crohnies

This topic is inspired but the unfortunate news of yet another friend being diagnosed with Crohn's disease,  Oh how I'm sick of receiving news about Crohn's, but that's another blog for another day.

If I could go back to my 20 year old self and provide advice for how to get through the suffering that is about to unfold, this is what I would say.

1.  Express emotion. 

When you find out you have just been diagnosed with Crohn's, it's ok to be emotional.  This is one of those times you don't have to be tough.  Those times will come, but for now let it out.  Don't let someone tell you that "It's just the Prednisone making you emotional."  NO!! Your life has just changed forever!!!  Cry, throw ice at a tree, go running, journal, etc.  Find a release for your emotion and let it out.  *Please note that I am suggesting you find a healthy outlit.

2.  Accept your circumstances

Once you have come to terms with this life changing news, accept it.  Being in denial is not going to make you feel better.  It will only lead you to party of pity for oneself that includes you and oreos.  This ok for a day or two, but passed that, it's time to move on.  Acceptance can be accomplished by researching about the disease, reaching out to support groups, talking to others who have been there done that.  It helps to know what to expect and when you take charge you feel like you have some form of control back. 

3.  Learn to change

Your life will most likely never be the same again.  At least, it wasn't in my case.  If you have a mild case of Crohn's then Praise the Lord!! For you are blessed! 

If you are like me and everything is chronic and severe, then learn to change.  You will have to learn to learn to eat new foods or go without your favorite foods and like it whether you like it or not!  Low residue, glutten free, liquid, and lean diets will most likely be apart of your future.  *Note:  This is the time to be tough and suck it up.  It's for your own good. 

A variety of concontions or otherwise known as Western Medicine will be injected into your body like you are some chemo patient.  ***Be thankful you are not!!***  *Note:  Time to be tough.  You will take these as your doctor orders and you will go through a series  of  hopes and then failures until hopefully something works for you.  Unfortunately, I'm not fortunate in that area as nothing ever seems to work.  I pray you will have better success.  You will learn to take your medicine from a divided container marked with the beginning on each week day so you can remember to take all of your vitamine, supplements, pills, etc.  You will keep a calendar of your injections, if you have to have them.

You may also start tracking your eating habits and the effects they have on your bowl movements.  In my case it didn't matter.  I could drink water all day and still go the same amount as if I had just eaten a greesy pizza.  *I don't recommend eating a greesy pizza.  At least with the water there is less abdominal pain.

4.  Always know where the restrooms are

This is a vital step in surviving Crohn's.  It aleviates a certain amount of stress and if you can stay near them then that always helps too.  I found it helpful to always have an "Exit" plan for wherever I was.  Not saying I made it to the exit before my bowl movement made it to it's exit, but it helps to be prepared. 

5.  Diapers are not that bad

There may come a time when you have to lose your pride and summit to buying Depends.  As a 21 / 22 year old, wearing diapers was a huge gulp of pride.   Underwear was just getting to expensive and I was tired of throwing away my favorite pairs.  Besides no one can tell unless you tell them.  If anything they give an extra junk in the trunk to your flat hospital bed butt!  Diapers were great for long road trips when I couldn't even go 5 minutes without going.  They are easier to clean up when you have an accident and also prevent messes on car seats, your jeans, etc.  They take off the stress of accidentally going in your pants.  Once you get over the mindset of "I'm a 22 year old wearing diapers,"  they are not that bad.

6.  Count your blessings

Things can always be worse.  I find counting your blessings one of the most important steps to staying positive and motiviate to survive.  Focus on what you do have instead of what you don't have.  As bad as this may be, sometimes looking at someone's crappy circumstances can help you appreciate your crappy circumstance.  Here are a couple of blessings off the top of my head:  1.  You do not have cancer.  2.  You can survive Crohn's.  3.  You can have a "normal" life.  4.  Crohn's can be controlled with diets and medicince.  4.  You have supportive family and friends.  5.  You can still work.  6.  You have good health care. 

You get the picture.  Stay positive.  Romans 12:12 says:  "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer."  Three important truths to live by.

7.  Have Faith

This is probably my most important key to survival, but as I am trying to go in order by process, it is number 7. 

I don't know what I would do or how I would survive if I did not know God and have a personal relationship with him.  I cannot count the times that I have only had God to count on.  At 3:00am in a dorm room, on the toilet, who are you gonna call?  Ghost Busters?? I don't think so!!!  No one is really there for you.  You are alone.  You are week.  You are in pain.  All you can do is pray you make it through the night, and in that moment you know God is there and you will see the sun again.  I know God may not heal me, and I accept that, but knowing he is there and he has a plan for me through all of this does bring me comfort in my times of doubt.

James 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Without his promises, I don't know how I can have hope.  I think I would go into a deep depression and feel that all hope is lost, but with God "I can do all things for he strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13.

 8.  Take control

Don't Let Crohn's Control You!!  Make a decision to live your life as complete as you can.  I know there will be days when you are so exhausted you can barely get off the couch except to sprint to the bathroom.  Don't let this be your daily life.  Strive to be involved in life.  Do things with friends and family, even if it is for 30 mintues.  Try a light workout such as Yoga.  Just do something that makes you feel like yourself.  Don't lose yourself. 

9.  Use  this for the "Greater Good"

Use your disease to help others who are suffering.  There are not many perks that you can receive from this disease that are greater than helping another who is in pain.  Provide them comfort when they are scared of what is yet to be.  There is nothing greater than helping someone else get through their daily struggles.  It somehow makes all your suffering worth it, just to help that one person find some peace.     

 ^"Praise be to the God....The Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ."  2 Corinthians 3-5.

10.  Spread the word

Tell everyone about Crohn's.  This not only makes your life less stressful, but it also brings awareness and support for an incurable disease.  The more people know about what you are going through the less they judge and are confused.  The more accepting they are of your interupting bathroom breaks and the weird diets you are on.  It just helps to get the truth out there.  You feel better and people don't really care and usually love you anyway.  If they can't accept this part of who you now are, then they are morons and not worth your time. 

I hope this little Survival Guide can help you get started on your journey or help you understand what a love one may be going through a little bit better.  As always, I wish you good help and happiness.  God will be your sunshine through the rain. 

The Baby Card

As you know I have recently been married. Jeremy and I have almost been married a year!  My how the time flies.  In a couple of years when we are settled in a house we would like to start adding to our family.  That excites and scares me at the same time.

You see Crohn's is a genetic disease.  Which means it can be past down through generations.  Which means my child could have Crohn's disease.  If that were to happen something in me would permanently break. 

I don't know if I would have the strength to watch my child suffer and stay up through the night because they are in so much agony.  I don't think I could watch my precious baby be hooked up to tubes and IVs to receive treatment and sit in the hospital instead of being on the playground with their friends.  My heart would break.  

It's one thing for me to go through it, but to watch helplessly as my child suffers, that's one thing I may not have the strength for.  I'll gladly take everything 100 times worse to not have to watch my child go through any pain.     

This is why I ask you today not to donate to CCFA for me, but for my future children.  Your donations will go towards research which I pray will find a cure so that my children will not have to suffer as I do.  I couldn't bare knowing that it was my fault and that they did nothing to have to go through this except share the same genes as me.  I can only put them in God's hands and hope he heres my quiet cries at night when I beg him to give me a healthy baby in my prayers. 

Please donate today and give someone a happier and healthy life.  Thank you for your love and support.

http://online.ccfa.org/goto/brandiethomas

Jesus Bring the Rain

It is raining!  What a blessing and testimate that even through thunder storms many blessings are reaped.  Currently, I am awake due to the acid reflux I am experiencing caused by being back on Prednisone.  Instead of sleeping peacefully through the storm, I am enjoying the sights, smells, and sounds.  It is cleansing.  Though, I may be in a personal storm of my own, this storm is another physical representation of the promise God has spoken to me.  The rain may come, lightning thrash, and thunder roll, but in the morning comes a new day.  The sun will rise and fresh life will blossom.  I am waiting as patiently as I can for my morning. 

I realize it may not actually come in this lifetime, but in my eternal life.  Until then, I am trying to take each day at a time.  Focusing on the blessings each day brings me, I am pressing onward.  It is difficult knowing that I may never have peace from my Crohn's hear on Earth, but I cannot let my fear of losing the battle keep me from fighting.  I will fight, and I will come out victorious.  I may lose the battle on Earth, but my heavenly victory will conqour all.  Holding on to that, I press on.  My hope is back!  Without it, I am nothing. 


Philippians 3:14
I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

(Video) Jesus Bring the Rain- Mercy Me
http://youtu.be/kseRKxkq5iY

Four Square

Back at square one.  At least that's how it feels.  I have come so far in the past year only to have everything I was just beginning to enjoy again ripped away from me. It's terrifying. 

Death does not scare me.  In fact, I welcome it whenever it knocks on my door.  It's not being able to live that is suffocating.  Not being able to enjoy a dance class because of feeling fatigue, or a wine tasting weekend with great company because the dehydration never goes away.  The fear of not being able to provide for my family or produce one that is excrutiating.  It is the stress of knowing it can come back anytime or knowing that is has never really left, but is just in hybernation.  It is trying to be strong and put on a positive front when inside every cell is screaming "FUCK YOU!!"  It is exhausting.

I want to give up.  To throw in the towel, but then that goes against everything I stand for.  I absolutely hate, loathe with every fiber of my being what I am going through.  Yet, I would do it all again to save someone from having to ever feel this way.  To suffer for love. 

Maybe, this is all about answered prayers.  In fighting this new round, I am saving someone I love dearly from having to give up his flying dreams for a future.  I did ask for that, did I not?  Did I not pray to take on this burden to protect him?  Or am I just telling myself another lie to force me to charge forward?  It is unknown.

What is known, is that I am overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed, with feelings of frustration, agony, defeat, heartbreak, acid reflux, and of course roid rage. 

Until the next sleepless morning...


Praise to the God of All Comfort

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ⁶ If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. ⁷ And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. 

-2 Corinthians 1:3-7, New International Version (NIV)
   

The Beginning of the End

Some people look at this life and believe this is as all there is. This is the end of the road. A dead end. People have bucket lists and sing songs about living like each day is their last. They believe that what is on Earth is everything. Their goal is to fill their lives with relationships, material things, and activities so that their lives on Earth matter. They meant something to the world because of all that they had. They hold on to their life here on Earth and find it a great tragedy when a life ends. Fear comes over them when they envision a life after the current.

This entire concept of fear and holding onto the now boggles my mind!

I understand that for people who do not have faith, the “what comes next?” can be terrifying. What confuses me the most is that Christians experience these feelings as well. Now, I am not trying to belittle death and the heartbreaking feelings that it often brings. I have experienced them myself. What I am trying to grasp is how people who believe there is a God and a Heaven, can be afraid to die or not look forward to their Earthly death?

Earth is not all that bad. I am glad I am alive, and I am thankful for my many blessings the Lord has given me here on Earth. I look at these wonderful Earthly blessings as just a preview of the exceptional blessings to come in Heaven. But, at the same time, I cannot wait to die! I find myself homesick for Heaven.

I agree with Philippians 3:20-21 when it states, “But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.”

Earth is not my home. I do not feel I belong here. To me, my time on Earth is just a journey. A journey to express the love of Jesus so we can all get to the place our souls truly belongs. It is like driving from Indiana to Florida. The drive is often uncomfortable, as you are packed like a sardine between bodies and luggage in a box on wheels. You survive on junk food and pray that within the next mile there is a rest stop. Let’s not forget about the numbness your behind gets from hours upon hours of sitting in traffic. Sure there are still the sing alongs to your favorite songs, beautiful sites to behold, and some cherished memories that can come along with this uncomfortable journey. It is not all road blocks and potholes. But there is nothing better than reaching the white sands of the beach and going for that first refreshing swim in the ocean. It is after you succumb to the ups and downs of the journey that you reach your final destination. Paradise.

If Paradise is our final destination, what is there to be afraid of? Is it the fear of what’s to come or the fear of what will be left behind? Either way, if Heaven is our Paradise then why should we fear?

Psalm 23:4 says, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

To wrap it all up, I suppose it all comes down to perspective. If focus is placed on the now and treasures on the Earth, leaving them will be terrifying and sad. If focus is placed on the future and treasures in Heaven, leaving will be a welcomed and joyous occasion.

For me, I am excited to leave all of my pains, worries, and strife for an eternal life of pure bliss! Leaving my loved ones is not sad to me, for I believe I will see them again in our heavenly mansion.

In John 14:1-3, Jesus tells us, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

We may not recognize each other as grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, lover, or friend, but as brother and sisters of Christ. I believe we will know one another as someone we loved dearly on Earth. Death is not the end for me, but a beautiful beginning with the ultimate love of my being.

Take Heart

Another trip to the Emergency Room. Another faith growing experience. It's amazing to me how many emotions one feels as they go through a tragic experience. If you're like me you freak out after the fact and you're strong and brave through the crisis. If I'm not freaking out then my family and loved ones will remain calm. I think that may be the most exhausting part...being so positive all the time. Don't get me wrong, I have so much to be positive about. There are times though when I'm just so frustrated. Can't I just have one night? I just wanted one night to enjoy my friends and feeling young again. Where did that get me? In the Emergency Room with a prolasped stoma praying that I wouldn't have another surgery. Thank God I did not have to have another surgery and the surgeon was able to painfully push my intestine back inside me where it belongs. It's amazing how fast your life can change. One minute I feel great, an hour later my intestine is hanging out of my stomach and any sudden movement brings my relationship to the trashcan much closer than I ever intended.

Why? What is all this pain, suffering, and mutilation for? What is the point? I may never know until I see my Father in heaven, but at that point I doubt I'll even care anymore. I'll finally be home where I truly belong, where I can dance and not suffer anymore.

Until then, I suppose I will have to take up my cross and keep on keeping on as cliche as that sounds. Like the picture on the front of my blog, though I feel like I am drowning, God has gone before me and he is there to catch me and hold my head above the water. He is my breath, my life. There must be a purpose for all of this. He must have plans for prosperity. Otherwise there is no point and all of this has been one big sick joke. I don't believe God is like that.

Even if I may not know why I have to go through these trials, I have to have hope that someone else is growing stronger in the Lord because of what I have been through. It is amazing to me how one life can touch another and they do not even know it. My roommate in the hospital will probably never know how she encouraged me. There I was feeling sorry for myself that I had a prolapsed stoma and had to stay overnight for observation when she didn't know how long she would be in the hospital. This morning I was able to advance from a liquid diet to a regular diet when she was surviving still on ice chips. It seems that no matter how bad you have it, there is someone out there who is worse off. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. That is why I have to maintain hope in my loving God. He has given me so much. I have so much to be thankful for, and I should not feel sorry for myself. I suppose that's how I can stay strong through these moments of tribulation.

I'm alive to live another day for the Lord. I suppose that's all I need.

"There is hope. Should oceans rise and mountains fall, He never fails. So take heart. Let his love lead us through the night. Hold onto Hope. Take Courage again. ...All our troubles. All our tears. God our hope. He has overcome!...All our heartache. All our pain. God our Healer. He has overcome!"

"Take Heart" by Hillsong United