Four Square

Back at square one.  At least that's how it feels.  I have come so far in the past year only to have everything I was just beginning to enjoy again ripped away from me. It's terrifying. 

Death does not scare me.  In fact, I welcome it whenever it knocks on my door.  It's not being able to live that is suffocating.  Not being able to enjoy a dance class because of feeling fatigue, or a wine tasting weekend with great company because the dehydration never goes away.  The fear of not being able to provide for my family or produce one that is excrutiating.  It is the stress of knowing it can come back anytime or knowing that is has never really left, but is just in hybernation.  It is trying to be strong and put on a positive front when inside every cell is screaming "FUCK YOU!!"  It is exhausting.

I want to give up.  To throw in the towel, but then that goes against everything I stand for.  I absolutely hate, loathe with every fiber of my being what I am going through.  Yet, I would do it all again to save someone from having to ever feel this way.  To suffer for love. 

Maybe, this is all about answered prayers.  In fighting this new round, I am saving someone I love dearly from having to give up his flying dreams for a future.  I did ask for that, did I not?  Did I not pray to take on this burden to protect him?  Or am I just telling myself another lie to force me to charge forward?  It is unknown.

What is known, is that I am overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed, with feelings of frustration, agony, defeat, heartbreak, acid reflux, and of course roid rage. 

Until the next sleepless morning...


Praise to the God of All Comfort

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ⁶ If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. ⁷ And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. 

-2 Corinthians 1:3-7, New International Version (NIV)