Living for the Future

It was a chilly night in November and we were trying to have a nice date at a restaurant.  The only problem was that I was nowhere in sight.  Instead of eating a warm meal and enjoying an evening chat with my love, I was dying in agony alone in a bathroom stall.  By the time I returned to the table, I had completely missed the meal.  Jeremy had finished his food and mine stared at me cold.  It didn’t matter because I was too nauseous to eat it anyway.  Being the good man that Jeremy is, he took me to look at engagement rings.  I was too weak and nauseous to even consider enjoying this special moment.  That was when I decided enough is enough!  I had spent basically the last three years with my ass stuck to a toilet.  Something had to change.  I needed my life back.  I needed control.  The only option left was surgery. 

On August 4, 2011, I underwent five hours of surgery where my entire colon was removed.  As I awoke, I felt like a toxic waste dump had been removed from inside me.  The only word I can use to describe how I felt was clean.  I felt clean for the first time in years!  It was an amazing feeling.  After my doctor told me my colon was the size of a softball or that of a 300 pound man’s colon, I knew I had made the right decision.  I could finally start enjoying life again and actually contribute something to the world.

Two years later, I found myself at Camp Oasis.  Hesitant at first to be a counselor for kids with Crohn’s Disease and Colitis, I jumped into the week with an open mind.  I did my best to help the kids experience a “normal” camp experience.  I participated in all the activities with them and even was the “butt” of some of their jokes. 

Unfortunately, camp couldn’t all be about fun and games.  Questions started popping up about seeing mental health professionals, depression, dating, having a career, having children, and the uncertainty of the future in general.    These discussions hit me in the inner core of my heart.  I understood their fears and their questioning of the future.   I had lived them.  It broke my heart to know that these innocent young ladies were terrified of growing up for fear that they may not get to have a future.  No person that young should have to know fears such as these!  What was I suppose to tell these girls asking for answers?    

I told them the only truth I know.  I am telling you my truth for those of you that might be asking the same questions and experiencing the same fears. 

1.  “Have you ever seen a mental health professional?”  Yes, and it was amazing.  I could talk to someone who was not involved in everything and not feel like I’m burdening my family and friends with my sob stories.  I was given great tools to work through situations when the floor gets pulled out from under me and I’m free falling into the unknown.  (Which is always the case with me for some reason?)  I urge you to go talk to someone and get help if you are having depression or just need to get a few things off your chest.  It’s not a sign of weakness, by doing this.  It is showing that you care about your wellbeing and you know you can’t go through this alone.  Struggling with a disease alone is too much for one person to handle.  Please don’t go it alone.

2.  “How do I date and talk to people about my disease?”  If you are in the dating field and you think there is a possible future, be honest about your disease.  I usually tell people I have a disease that eats away at my intestines and make me poop a lot.  In my experience as an adult, I have never had a negative response.  Most people are interested and want to know more about it.  CCFA has good resources that can help explain your disease if you are lacking the words.  I was blessed to have met my husband and had already been dating for 6 months before I was first diagnosed, but it was because I didn’t settle that allowed me to have a real man by my side supporting me the last five years.  If you are dating, I pray that you find someone who loves you for who you are and will love you through the good, the bad, and the smelling situations. 

3.  “Will I be able to have a career?”  Yes.  I have one that is blossoming.  Several other people with Crohn’s and Colitis are thriving working adults.  Is it easy to work with a flair up?  No, but hopefully you chose a profession with a bathroom nearby, a lot of vacation/ sick days, and a supportive work environment.   I have found this work environment aligns well with being sick.

4.  “What if I give my children my disease?”  This is a question I struggle with myself.  Passing my Crohn’s disease down to my children is one of my biggest fears.  I’m not sure I could be emotionally strong enough to watch my child suffer like I did.  Having Crohn’s has definitely made me a stronger individual, but this is something I’m not sure my strength would withhold. 

At camp, we did a fire pit where we wrote down our fears and through them into the fire symbolizing the release of our fears.  This was my fear that I had written down.  After my experience at camp, I’m choosing to not let my fear stop me from trying to have kids in several years.  This is something both Jeremy and I want, and I have come to realize that no matter what happens, it will be worth it in the end.  In the meantime, I will be praying like crazy for the future of my children and their health.

5.  “What will my future hold?”  I don’t know.  I do know that I lean on this promise every time I find myself doubting and fearing for what is to come:  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -  Jeremiah 29:11.  Sometimes it doesn’t always feel like I’m prospering, but looking back over the past five years and all that I have been able to accomplish, I know that this verse holds true in my life.

 

For the readers who are struggling with the same questions my girls at camp did, I hope I provided you with some good tips.    You are not alone in your feelings, questions, and fears.  Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for a helping hand.