It was a chilly night in November and we were trying to have
a nice date at a restaurant. The only problem
was that I was nowhere in sight. Instead
of eating a warm meal and enjoying an evening chat with my love, I was dying in
agony alone in a bathroom stall. By the
time I returned to the table, I had completely missed the meal. Jeremy had finished his food and mine stared
at me cold. It didn’t matter because I
was too nauseous to eat it anyway. Being
the good man that Jeremy is, he took me to look at engagement rings. I was too weak and nauseous to even consider
enjoying this special moment. That was
when I decided enough is enough! I
had spent basically the last three years with my ass stuck to a toilet. Something had to change. I needed my life back. I needed control. The only option left was surgery.
On August 4, 2011, I underwent five hours of surgery where
my entire colon was removed. As I awoke,
I felt like a toxic waste dump had been removed from inside me. The only word I can use to describe how I
felt was clean. I felt clean for the
first time in years! It was an amazing
feeling. After my doctor told me my
colon was the size of a softball or that of a 300 pound man’s colon, I knew I
had made the right decision. I could finally start enjoying life again and actually contribute something to the world.
Two years later, I found myself at Camp Oasis. Hesitant at first to be a counselor for kids
with Crohn’s Disease and Colitis, I jumped into the week with an open mind. I did my best to help the kids experience a
“normal” camp experience. I participated
in all the activities with them and even was the “butt” of some of their
jokes.
Unfortunately, camp couldn’t all be about fun and
games. Questions started popping up
about seeing mental health professionals, depression, dating, having a career,
having children, and the uncertainty of the future in general. These
discussions hit me in the inner core of my heart. I understood their fears and their questioning
of the future. I had lived them. It broke my heart to know that these innocent
young ladies were terrified of growing up for fear that they may not get to
have a future. No person that young
should have to know fears such as these!
What was I suppose to tell these girls asking for answers?
I told them the only truth I know.
I am telling you my truth for those of you that might be asking the same
questions and experiencing the same fears.
1. “Have you ever
seen a mental health professional?” Yes,
and it was amazing. I could talk to
someone who was not involved in everything and not feel like I’m burdening my
family and friends with my sob stories.
I was given great tools to work through situations when the floor gets
pulled out from under me and I’m free falling into the unknown. (Which is always the case with me for some
reason?) I urge you to go talk to
someone and get help if you are having depression or just need to get a few
things off your chest. It’s not a sign
of weakness, by doing this. It is
showing that you care about your wellbeing and you know you can’t go through
this alone. Struggling with a disease
alone is too much for one person to handle.
Please don’t go it alone.
2. “How do I date and
talk to people about my disease?” If you
are in the dating field and you think there is a possible future, be honest
about your disease. I usually tell
people I have a disease that eats away at my intestines and make me poop a
lot. In my experience as an adult, I
have never had a negative response. Most
people are interested and want to know more about it. CCFA has good resources that can help explain
your disease if you are lacking the words.
I was blessed to have met my husband and had already been dating for 6
months before I was first diagnosed, but it was because I didn’t settle that
allowed me to have a real man by my side supporting me the last five
years. If you are dating, I pray that
you find someone who loves you for who you are and will love you through the
good, the bad, and the smelling situations.
3. “Will I be able to
have a career?” Yes. I have one that is blossoming. Several other people with Crohn’s and Colitis
are thriving working adults. Is it easy
to work with a flair up? No, but
hopefully you chose a profession with a bathroom nearby, a lot of vacation/
sick days, and a supportive work environment.
I have found this work environment aligns well with being sick.
4. “What if I give my
children my disease?” This is a question
I struggle with myself. Passing my
Crohn’s disease down to my children is one of my biggest fears. I’m not sure I could be emotionally strong
enough to watch my child suffer like I did.
Having Crohn’s has definitely made me a stronger individual, but this is
something I’m not sure my strength would withhold.
At camp, we did a fire pit where we wrote down our fears and
through them into the fire symbolizing the release of our fears. This was my fear that I had written
down. After my experience at camp, I’m
choosing to not let my fear stop me from trying to have kids in several years. This is something both Jeremy and I want, and
I have come to realize that no matter what happens, it will be worth it in the
end. In the meantime, I will be praying
like crazy for the future of my children and their health.
5. “What will my future hold?” I don’t know.
I do know that I lean on this promise every time I find myself doubting
and fearing for what is to come: "For I know the plans I have for you,”
declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you
hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11. Sometimes it doesn’t always feel like I’m
prospering, but looking back over the past five years and all that I have been
able to accomplish, I know that this verse holds true in my life.
For the readers who are struggling with
the same questions my girls at camp did, I hope I provided you with some good tips. You are not alone in your feelings,
questions, and fears. Don’t be afraid to
reach out and ask for a helping hand.
