Sunshine Through The Rain

I feel the best I have felt in three years! (The awesome pain killers I'm on could be a contributing factor as well!) It is as if a toxic waste site has been removed from my body. I feel healthy! Today I was able to get a shower too. Now I'm clean on the inside and the outside!!

With all the amazing people praying for me, I am recovering quicker than expected. The doctor said I could get out of the hospital Monday evening. So if you want to visit me before I head back to Wabash for the rest of the month, I would come in the next couple days.

I'm starting to drift in and out so I'm going to close this up before I start ......se.tin.g .d./og.s. .an.d. c.a.t.s. .again with .c..............flagpoles.

Love you!

What Really Matters

Today my devotion focused on storing up treasures for yourself in heaven instead of focusing on storing treasures here on earth. Matthew 6:21 says, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

As I prepare for my surgery tomorrow, this is a great reminder of what really is important.

Serving the Lord on this Earth. It is not about having a flawless figure, but it is about being able to show Christ's love to my neighbors. As I move forward with my life, I only hope that I can maintain a positive attitude and not focus on this "abnormality" that I have chosen to endorse. Instead, I pray I can focus on the fact that this will allow me to do the Lord's work on Earth. I will be able to have enough energy and time (now that I won't have to go to the bathroom all the time) to do things like volunteer at church or work like I have enjoyed doing pre-Crohn's disesase.

Each time I think about this decision I have made, I find another blessing at the end. I have no doubt that this will not be an easy or clean process, but I do know with all my heart that God will carry me through it all. He provides me with all that I need when I need it. Whether it be lovely friends to keep me company while I prep for surgery tomorrow, loved ones to pray me through each day, or a hand made card in the mail to pick me up on the day I need it most, I always seem to make it through each day with the hope of a better tomorrow. As a beautiful red head once said, "the sun'll come out tomorrow!"

Verses to lean on:

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength" Philippians 4: 12-13

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

There's Gonna Be Brighter Days

I have reached a decision. Coming August 4, I will be having surgery to remove my large intestine. I'm so excited!!! Monday night after meeting with two best friends, they listened to me and helped me come to the realization that I already knew what I wanted. The enjoyment and small pleasures that I receive from food is just too important to cut it out of my life for the possibility of still feeling awful!

Just in the past week of making this decision, my mood has drastically changed. Not only, do I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my shoulders, but I just feel excited about my future again. My dreams will be able to come true with this surgery.

There will be more trials and difficult moments ahead of me with this surgery, but God will bring beauty from all of this. I'm not about to give up, I'm gonna move and keep dancing!!

I love my life and the wonderful people God has blessed it with. I will once again be able to enjoy them and enjoy a piece of chocolate too!!

**I would like to share three songs that God blessed me with after I reached my decision and was driving on my way home. (God and I connect through music) The first one sings about how God will never let me go and he will be with me every step of the way throughout this healing process I am about to embark on. The second song promises that he will bring beauty from my trials and difficult times. Finally, the third song brings encouragement that I will dance again!

Red "Not Alone"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ODDtLMiGnY

Gungor "Beautiful Things"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHOq3N_7A3s

Mercy Me- Move"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmUDDxflt6o

To Poop or Not to Poop? That is the Question!!

**WARNING: This Blog is not for the light at heart or the queasy stomach!**

August 4th, I am scheduled to have my colon removed. This choice will lead me down a path where I will never ever have to endure the painful symptoms of Crohn's Disease. Its inflammatory puss will never again cause me to feel like I am being stabbed in the abdomen constantly. Never again, will I groan in agony as I bleed my own blood from places blood should never be exiting!

I will have the energy to stand at the vanity in the morning and do my hair and makeup. I will be able to eat all the glorious foods that chefs have ingeniously created for my tongue's pleasure and enjoyment. There will be a day when going out to eat with friends and family will no longer be a quizzical excursion as I weave through the maze of No-No's on the menu. The word "chocolate" will never again be included in the sentence, I am not allowed to eat that. Instead, the smell of a freshly opened package of Oreos will be ever so often enjoyed and the taste of the combination of ice cold 2% milk, chocolate, and Oreo filling will make love to my pallet. Oh the agony of not being able to enjoy chocolate will be no more!!

Wa, wa, waa (Debbie Downer ALERT!!)

That last paragraph sounded so good I wanted to eat it! Unfortunately, in order to achieve great things, one must sacrifice great things. For me, this sacrifice would be my colon.

One Large Intestine coming up! Ding!

Not only would I be killing off a much needed body part, but I would be gaining a stoma and a bag to go with my chocolate! ;) (inside joke) For the rest of my life, I would wear a colostomy bag, attached to a whole in my stomach, attached to my small intestine. (I get to keep that! Woot!) At first this would be Hell! The pain of surgery alone would be...well painful. Not to mention, the possibility of leaks of my own feces. May or may not be up there with shitting one's self. The joys of changing the colostomy bag every couple of days and cleaning the bag until you do change it 3 to 4 or more times a day.

Of course, once recovery sets in the pain will wear off. I will find the right style of colostomy bag and accessories (yes accessories are included!) that will limit the bag from leaking. Changing and cleaning the bag will become just as common as changing my clothes and cleaning my underwear. It will be a part of me and my life.

Sex won't be an issue because my husband will love me and my colostomy bag will be a little joke between us. Plus like I said, they have accessories for those intimate adventures.

All in all this doesn't sound so bad, right? But what if there was another way??? Could there really be hope out there for me after trying countless treatments??

There is another side to the coin. Dun Dun Dun! The plot thickens!!!

In less than a month, I have to decide between having surgery or choosing a life with restraints and discipline. This equals no CHOCOLATE!!! Oh the Horrors!!! Catching on to my dilemma??

For the last month and a half, I have been experimenting with this a specific carbohydrate diet (SCD) that supposedly can rid me of my symptoms of Crohn's Disease and restore my life. I could once again be filled with health and wellness. I could enjoy the opportunities God has placed before me instead of rotting away in another bathroom. No more thought of wearing a colostomy bag. All it takes is a lot of discipline, eating only healthy foods, and saying no to the beloved Chocolate and Oreo cookie....at least for a few years. Easier said than done!

The diet really isn't so bad once you say goodbye to those beloved foods that once brought comfort to your life. You get over watching people enjoy your mom's brownies and chocolate chip cookies. Every meal is planned out in order to ensure you don't eat an "illegal" food. No starch, sugar, milk, or chocolate. Dining out= I'll have an order of salad with no cheese, croutons, or dressing please. Leave the chicken on the side.

I can eat any fruit, vegetable, and meat that is not processed, canned, or has any additives. I can use honey to sweeten my food. Banana cake is a new favorite of mine and SCD legal monster cookies. So I do still get some form of a treat.

You must be thinking...what the hell are you thinking?? Choose the diet!! Eat healthy food and be healthy or eat what ever I want when I want and wear a colostomy bag. Duh go with the diet!!

That's kind of my thinking too. Except for the fact that I'm getting married in 9 months, and I could still be sick even I follow the diet fanatically. If I have the surgery it's like I'm instantly cured minus a month or two of recovery. The diet offers a lot of unknowns, forces patience, and could be just as painful as having surgery for a longer amount of recovery time. For a Crohn's patient, the diet could take up to two or three years to fully rid them of their symptoms. After your last symptom, you must stay on the diet for another year before even thinking of adding any "regular" foods back to your diet. Ugh what's a person to do??

If I knew the diet would work and I would feel better at the end of two years, I would not have this issue. It's scary when facing the unknown. I have plans that I want to see fulfilled and not hindered by my disease. I don't want to face postponing or simplifying my wedding because I'm sick. I want to enjoy these next nine months of engagement.

The problem is, I go see the doctor next week and I have been on the diet for a month and a half. I am on a lower dose of Prednisone (my best friend and worst enemy). I can tell the lower I go on dose, the more frequently I sprint to the bathroom. I am becoming more tired and losing my appetite. I really wanted to be improving not depleting. But then there is the question, maybe it takes more time to heal than I am allowing. I can't expect to feel great in a month and a half, and maybe I should just stay at a low dose for another month and then continue weaning off my meds again. So many unknowns!!

I feel like I need to know if the diet will work by August 4th or else! Talk about a stressful decision...oh wait I am!

I thought that writing this blog would lead me to my answer, but instead I'm left tired and just as confused as when I started.

Here is my decision: I'm going to stay at 10mg of Prednisone for another month. Try going back to the intro part of the diet to see if that helps with some of the symptoms. Reevaluate my situation and decide to have surgery or continue to postpone it.

Alright God, I'm stepping out in blind faith. Here goes the food processor...I mean here goes nothing.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Which is more difficult?

I have been on my diet now for a week and a half. It has come with its challenges, such as bringing my own food to Carburetion Day, skipping out on Mexican food and eating a salad instead, or bypassing mom's yummy punch and brownies. Though giving up some comfort food may be difficult, a wise man (My wonderful fiancée) offered me this perspective on the matter: "Which is harder, the bag or the diet?" I have to say that really made me appreciate this diet and the good food and nutrition it is bringing to my body.

I know the Lord has beautiful plans of prosperity for my life. If it is for me to have surgery, I am totally accepting of that. So many blessings will flow from my surgery, but I would definitely not mind postponing or omitting the surgery all together if possible. (I'm still trying to work something out with him...)

I keep thinking that all of this has been a faith building exercise, and I faithfully believe that God always gives you what you need when you need it. In my thoughts, I am reminded of the story of Abraham being asked to sacrifice his son. Like Abraham, I am about ready to sacrifice a pretty vital organ. I am willing to do that too. It is my hopes that maybe at the last moment, God will provide me with an alternative solution (like maybe a Specific Carbohydrate Diet) to prevent this surgery from happening like God provided Abraham with a ram as he was about to sacrifice his son.

Only time will tell if this diet is working or if surgery is inevitable. In the meantime, I will choose to walk by faith, hope, and love. With love being the greatest of these three, I will be fulfilled and content with my circumstances because I know my heavenly Father only has my best interest at his amazing heart! He will hold me in his arms and carry me through whatever my future holds.

Bible Story:

Genesis 22 New International Version (NIV)

Abraham Tested

¹ Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!”

“Here I am,” he replied.

² Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”

³ Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. ⁴ On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. ⁵ He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.”

⁶ Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, ⁷ Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”

“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.

“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”

⁸ Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.

⁹ When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. ¹⁰ Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. ¹¹ But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”

“Here I am,” he replied.

¹² “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.”

¹³ Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram^[a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. ¹⁴ So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided.”

Control Freak

Do you ever just get tired of having to control things you have no control over? This thought may be a bit of a brain twister for you, but I'll explain.

In my situation, I have no control over the fact I have Crohn's Disease. The fact that I have Crohn's Disease forces me to control my lifestyle or suffer the consequences. This lifestyle means not enjoying favorite cuisine, going to bed before my grandpa, not hanging out in bars, not eating out that often, and basically planning my outings around my BM schedule.

So this doesn't sound so bad. For the most part, it's not. It is just sometimes I feel so confined! I just want to be irresponsible. Lose control. I want to eat a piece of cake or have a hot dog and beer. These little things most people take for granted or don't even think about are things I rarely or never get to do. Boo hoo poor me right. Get over myself. Don't worry I will right after I post this.

Today the Lord blesses you and me with three verses:

John 16:33 ESV / 73 helpful votes

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Matthew 11:28-29 ESV / 51 helpful votes

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Revelation 21:4 ESV / 29 helpful votes

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

The Best Things in Life

Apparently, my readers have missed my blogging. So here I am writing again. I know it has been a while so I will fill you in on a few of my most recent blessings.

The love of my life and I are engaged!! We are planning for an April wedding next year. Not only have I been blessed with a wonderful man, I have also recently battled against my body to complete the Indianapolis OneAmerica Mini Marathon. My friend and I were able to complete it in 3 hours!! Training was a difficult journey and this was a big accomplishment for the both of us. Those are the two main blessings I have to share, but the Lord continues to bless me daily with multiple little blessings.

Since my last message I have decided to have surgery. Only two more months left until my life will be changed forever...unless...

Ok so here's the thing, I recently was told about this book called "Breaking the Vicious Cycle: Intestinal Health through Diet." Many readers of this book report that they are free from symptoms of Crohn's and are off their medications. This diet is very strict and will be very difficult. I know if I can survive flare ups and minis marathons, that I can be disciplined enough to try this diet out at least for two months. If it can help me enough to get on a lower dosage of steroids before August, then maybe, just maybe, I can avoid or at least post pone having surgery. This book has given me new hope of a more normal tomorrow. It will mean a lifestyle change for me and my future husband, but I know we are strong enough to make it through this challenge as well. I will lean on the strength of the Lord and the knowledge he has plans for my prosperity. I had thought I was ready to give up the fight, but maybe there is something still worth fighting for. The most difficult challenges we go through in life, often turn out to be the best things for us.

I will keep you posted on my journey these next two months.

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.