Sunshine Through the Rain: September 2014

Mirrors can be the worst and they can be the best. They are great when you need to get food out of your teeth or when you have a crazy hair sticking up that you need to tame.  If you're into talking to yourself, then they are especially great for that as well. Over the years, mirrors have even provided the inspiration to the metaphor for reflecting on oneself. Everyone should take the opportunity to reflect on their life at many stages of life. This provides a chance to look at where your life is and where it is going. Is it going down the path you want it to go or do you need to make a change and alter the direction you are headed? It is true, taking time to reflect on oneself is beneficial, but what if you find in your time of reflection that you cannot change what lies ahead of you? What if your reflection blatantly reveals that you have no control? What you see is what you get.

I was looking, but I didn't like what I seeing. The reflection staring back was not me. It was some moon shaped, pizza face. It wasn't the heart shaped, clear skinned girl I had known for years. The chin that was once chiseled and reminded me of a family trait was hidden in the middle of my chipmunk cheeks. The face that was so often compared to my sisters as twin like was not recognizable. I didn't even look related to her anymore. If the face wasn't bad enough there was my shoulders and my back. The puffiness of them was so strange.  The weight was abnormal and disproportioned to my stick arms. The first time I tried on my mother's wedding gown that I would wear for my wedding, I couldn't even get it zipped over my fat back and shoulders. How devastating...Then there was my stomach. I was so bloated it looked like I was pregnant. It didn't matter how many miles I ran or how many crunches I did, I couldn't get it as flat as it was in high school. The dancers body I once knew was gone. Who was this stranger staring back at me?

This stranger was created with only 60mg a day. The Prednisone had consumed me. It's mark was left on every inch. This drug that was slowing down the death eating away my intestine was also transforming me. The once beauty had turned into the beast.   Not only was I a monster on the outside, but it also gave me a rage on the inside. A rage I could not control. Without even meaning to, I could be Jekyll one minute and Hide the next. My entire being was out of control. A new cream or workout could not remove the acne on my face or the weight on my bones. Nothing I could do would be enough to overcome this 60mg dose of hell. Who was I with this new form?

I quit looking in mirrors. I didn't want to see my reflection anymore. It wasn't real. It didn't reflect the true me. What I thought and felt of myself on the inside was rudely interrupted when face to face with a mirror. In my mind's eye I saw this:

But in reality...I looked like this.

This isn't even the worst picture. Do you know what it's like meeting people and explaining that this isn't your real face? It's embarrassing....Hey I'm not really this ugly, please don't judge me. Please see what's on the inside and not this mask I am forced to wear.

Somehow, they did. Somehow, people did see the real me. Somehow, I was blessed to be dating a wonderful man who made sure to let me know how I beautiful I was, even if I didn't always believe him. Somehow, my friends were still there for me and didn't shun me for not looking up to code. Somehow, God gave me what I needed when I needed it the most. He showed me what it meant to truly love myself and see myself through his eyes. I am wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). He taught me that it is more important to be there than to look good there. The only person who had to believe it was me.

It took time to accept my new form and to accept my circumstances. It was difficult to turn away from the lies the Devil was feeding me and be open to the loving words that God was sharing through those that loved and believed in me. Looks are fleeting. Who I am as an individual is forever, and that is the reflection I choose to see.

Pre Crohn's Diagnosis