Ch. 4 Shock

Choking.  Gasping.  Darkness.  My world turns black and I cannot breathe.  I try to speak but nothing comes out.  “NURSE!!”  I hear someone scream.  Pressure.  So much pressure!  My head feels like it’s about to explode.    Suddenly, I hear the sound of tennis shoes moving quickly.  “Get the IV out.”  “EpiPen!”  Light.  Things are starting to come back into focus.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Jesus.  I see him staring at me above the door, hanging on a cross with his arms spread out.  Breath in.  Breathe out.  Just keep breathing, I tell myself.  I pray. 

“My head!  There is so much pressure!” I hear myself tell one of the nurses.  “We have to get her blood pressure down,” one of the nurses says.  I feel the burn of the medicine flow through my veins.  Finally, release.  A man in a white coat sits in the corner, watching.  Why is he just sitting there looking at me?  Why isn’t he doing anything?  The nurses continue to monitor me.  “Her face isn’t as red anymore.  How is your head sweetie?” One of the nurses asks.    “It is getting better,” I somehow get out.  “You went into Anaphylactic Shock.”

Time passes and my breathing seems to be normalizing.  The anxiety and panic slowly leave me.  My grandma explains that as soon as the Remicade went through the IV and into my veins my face turned bright red.  The Nurse Call button was within reach, but I could not press it with my fumbling fingers.  She ran out and in turn saved my life.  Thankfulness and relief fill me.  My nurse puts a cold compress on my head.  I look at her.  “I just need to cry,” I say.  Placing the rag over my eyes to hide my insecurity, I let them release.  The fear of not breathing was gone.  I was safe.  I could let go.  I didn’t have to keep it together anymore.

The silent tears continue on the ride home.  Still trying to maintain a strong front, I couldn’t let my grandma see me cry.  I didn’t want her to worry, to be burdened.  I had to carry it all.  A couple hours later, I finally return to the safety of my home.  My mother and father rush toward me and wrap me up in their hugs.  “I’m ok.  Don’t worry.  I’m fine.  It’s not a big deal.”  I tell them.  My eyes betray me as they release another flow of tears.  Safe in my father’s arms, I cry.  Those would not be my only tears.  The trauma would continue to haunt me. 

Choking.  Gasping.  Darkness.  My world turns black and I cannot breathe.  I try to speak but nothing comes out.  “NURSE!!”  I hear someone scream.  Pressure.  So much pressure!  My head feels like it’s about to explode.  Jesus! 

My eyes open to darkness as tears stream down my cheeks.  Realizing I’m in the safety of my bed, my breathing begins to calm.  I curl into the fetal position and cry.  I pray to God to please make these nightmares stop.  Take them away, I beg!  Alone and afraid, I cry myself to sleep once again.                 

The Fight

Health is so fleeting.  One minute you can be enjoying life and the next minute you are clinging to it.  It is a mystery.  People go through hours upon hours of workouts and eat the strangest combinations of food to achieve great health.  Only, those hours and diets mean nothing when your immune system turns against you.  When something beyond your control threatens your being, it is devastating.  Everything you once knew and were no longer matter.  They cannot help you.  They will not save you.  The body you once took care of and treated like a temple will betray you.  When you try to help it, it will reject your help.  No matter how much you try to eat healthy, workout, take your medicine, it will not matter.  Your body no longer belongs to you.  It now belongs to the evil that possesses you.  The only thing you can do is fight.  Fight against the evil.  Fight for your life. 

This will be the most difficult battle you will ever wage.  Not only will you be fighting for your own right to live, but you will be fighting for your soul.  If you can’t fight for your will to live, then having health means nothing.  Those suffering from the betrayal of their auto immune are forced to make a choice.  They must choose between good and evil.  They must choose to fight for the good side or the bad side.      

If you choose the dark side, you are choosing defeat.   You are letting the evilness inside you rule.  Instead of taking charge of your circumstances, you are bowing before them.  Your world becomes darkness.  There is no more light.  No more joy.  No more fight.  Death is your only option.  Death will knock on your door and you will welcome it. 

If you choose the good side, you at least have a fighting chance.  You are choosing to fight against your immune system and possibly save what you have left of your mind and soul.  Your mind and soul may be the only entities that can truly save your body.  The mind is a powerful tool.  The mind can bring logic and perspective.  If you can bring your mind to focus on what you do have instead of what you don’t have, that in itself is a powerful force.  Having a positive perspective can do nothing but add to your life.  By focusing on your blessings you will not be so overwhelmed with the failings of your personal “temple.”  You will choose to spend your time concentrating on what brings happiness and joy into your life.  Whether it is with family, friends, lover, books, or music, spending your time on anything other than what’s causing you pain, will only lighten the pain within.   If only for a brief moment, you will experience happiness.

Perspective is a major part of outplaying your evil opponent within, but spirituality is also equally, if not more important.  Without belief in some higher power, there is no point.  Seriously?  What is the point of living or doing anything, if at the end of the day you’re at a dead end?  That seems unacceptable, logically and soulfully.  If there is no spiritual hope, how does one suffer through life’s unbearable moments?  How does one have the will to live, fight, or breath?  It is difficult to press on when spiritual hope is lacking and questions clutter the mind.  When dealing with the betrayals of your own body, the question “Why?” will always come up.  Having a spiritual belief will answer that question or at least bring you peace and hope that one day it will all make sense.  The will to fight comes easier when you have the power of a higher being on your side. 

We are all going to die one day.  That’s a fact, Jack.  The only thing that really matters is how you’re going to get there.  Are you going to fight your way there or just give up and be owned by death?