Another trip to the Emergency Room. Another faith growing experience. It's amazing to me how many emotions one feels as they go through a tragic experience. If you're like me you freak out after the fact and you're strong and brave through the crisis. If I'm not freaking out then my family and loved ones will remain calm. I think that may be the most exhausting part...being so positive all the time. Don't get me wrong, I have so much to be positive about. There are times though when I'm just so frustrated. Can't I just have one night? I just wanted one night to enjoy my friends and feeling young again. Where did that get me? In the Emergency Room with a prolasped stoma praying that I wouldn't have another surgery. Thank God I did not have to have another surgery and the surgeon was able to painfully push my intestine back inside me where it belongs. It's amazing how fast your life can change. One minute I feel great, an hour later my intestine is hanging out of my stomach and any sudden movement brings my relationship to the trashcan much closer than I ever intended.
Why? What is all this pain, suffering, and mutilation for? What is the point? I may never know until I see my Father in heaven, but at that point I doubt I'll even care anymore. I'll finally be home where I truly belong, where I can dance and not suffer anymore.
Until then, I suppose I will have to take up my cross and keep on keeping on as cliche as that sounds. Like the picture on the front of my blog, though I feel like I am drowning, God has gone before me and he is there to catch me and hold my head above the water. He is my breath, my life. There must be a purpose for all of this. He must have plans for prosperity. Otherwise there is no point and all of this has been one big sick joke. I don't believe God is like that.
Even if I may not know why I have to go through these trials, I have to have hope that someone else is growing stronger in the Lord because of what I have been through. It is amazing to me how one life can touch another and they do not even know it. My roommate in the hospital will probably never know how she encouraged me. There I was feeling sorry for myself that I had a prolapsed stoma and had to stay overnight for observation when she didn't know how long she would be in the hospital. This morning I was able to advance from a liquid diet to a regular diet when she was surviving still on ice chips. It seems that no matter how bad you have it, there is someone out there who is worse off. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. That is why I have to maintain hope in my loving God. He has given me so much. I have so much to be thankful for, and I should not feel sorry for myself. I suppose that's how I can stay strong through these moments of tribulation.
I'm alive to live another day for the Lord. I suppose that's all I need.
"There is hope. Should oceans rise and mountains fall, He never fails. So take heart. Let his love lead us through the night. Hold onto Hope. Take Courage again. ...All our troubles. All our tears. God our hope. He has overcome!...All our heartache. All our pain. God our Healer. He has overcome!"
"Take Heart" by Hillsong United
