The Beginning of the End

Some people look at this life and believe this is as all there is. This is the end of the road. A dead end. People have bucket lists and sing songs about living like each day is their last. They believe that what is on Earth is everything. Their goal is to fill their lives with relationships, material things, and activities so that their lives on Earth matter. They meant something to the world because of all that they had. They hold on to their life here on Earth and find it a great tragedy when a life ends. Fear comes over them when they envision a life after the current.

This entire concept of fear and holding onto the now boggles my mind!

I understand that for people who do not have faith, the “what comes next?” can be terrifying. What confuses me the most is that Christians experience these feelings as well. Now, I am not trying to belittle death and the heartbreaking feelings that it often brings. I have experienced them myself. What I am trying to grasp is how people who believe there is a God and a Heaven, can be afraid to die or not look forward to their Earthly death?

Earth is not all that bad. I am glad I am alive, and I am thankful for my many blessings the Lord has given me here on Earth. I look at these wonderful Earthly blessings as just a preview of the exceptional blessings to come in Heaven. But, at the same time, I cannot wait to die! I find myself homesick for Heaven.

I agree with Philippians 3:20-21 when it states, “But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.”

Earth is not my home. I do not feel I belong here. To me, my time on Earth is just a journey. A journey to express the love of Jesus so we can all get to the place our souls truly belongs. It is like driving from Indiana to Florida. The drive is often uncomfortable, as you are packed like a sardine between bodies and luggage in a box on wheels. You survive on junk food and pray that within the next mile there is a rest stop. Let’s not forget about the numbness your behind gets from hours upon hours of sitting in traffic. Sure there are still the sing alongs to your favorite songs, beautiful sites to behold, and some cherished memories that can come along with this uncomfortable journey. It is not all road blocks and potholes. But there is nothing better than reaching the white sands of the beach and going for that first refreshing swim in the ocean. It is after you succumb to the ups and downs of the journey that you reach your final destination. Paradise.

If Paradise is our final destination, what is there to be afraid of? Is it the fear of what’s to come or the fear of what will be left behind? Either way, if Heaven is our Paradise then why should we fear?

Psalm 23:4 says, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

To wrap it all up, I suppose it all comes down to perspective. If focus is placed on the now and treasures on the Earth, leaving them will be terrifying and sad. If focus is placed on the future and treasures in Heaven, leaving will be a welcomed and joyous occasion.

For me, I am excited to leave all of my pains, worries, and strife for an eternal life of pure bliss! Leaving my loved ones is not sad to me, for I believe I will see them again in our heavenly mansion.

In John 14:1-3, Jesus tells us, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

We may not recognize each other as grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, lover, or friend, but as brother and sisters of Christ. I believe we will know one another as someone we loved dearly on Earth. Death is not the end for me, but a beautiful beginning with the ultimate love of my being.

Take Heart

Another trip to the Emergency Room. Another faith growing experience. It's amazing to me how many emotions one feels as they go through a tragic experience. If you're like me you freak out after the fact and you're strong and brave through the crisis. If I'm not freaking out then my family and loved ones will remain calm. I think that may be the most exhausting part...being so positive all the time. Don't get me wrong, I have so much to be positive about. There are times though when I'm just so frustrated. Can't I just have one night? I just wanted one night to enjoy my friends and feeling young again. Where did that get me? In the Emergency Room with a prolasped stoma praying that I wouldn't have another surgery. Thank God I did not have to have another surgery and the surgeon was able to painfully push my intestine back inside me where it belongs. It's amazing how fast your life can change. One minute I feel great, an hour later my intestine is hanging out of my stomach and any sudden movement brings my relationship to the trashcan much closer than I ever intended.

Why? What is all this pain, suffering, and mutilation for? What is the point? I may never know until I see my Father in heaven, but at that point I doubt I'll even care anymore. I'll finally be home where I truly belong, where I can dance and not suffer anymore.

Until then, I suppose I will have to take up my cross and keep on keeping on as cliche as that sounds. Like the picture on the front of my blog, though I feel like I am drowning, God has gone before me and he is there to catch me and hold my head above the water. He is my breath, my life. There must be a purpose for all of this. He must have plans for prosperity. Otherwise there is no point and all of this has been one big sick joke. I don't believe God is like that.

Even if I may not know why I have to go through these trials, I have to have hope that someone else is growing stronger in the Lord because of what I have been through. It is amazing to me how one life can touch another and they do not even know it. My roommate in the hospital will probably never know how she encouraged me. There I was feeling sorry for myself that I had a prolapsed stoma and had to stay overnight for observation when she didn't know how long she would be in the hospital. This morning I was able to advance from a liquid diet to a regular diet when she was surviving still on ice chips. It seems that no matter how bad you have it, there is someone out there who is worse off. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. That is why I have to maintain hope in my loving God. He has given me so much. I have so much to be thankful for, and I should not feel sorry for myself. I suppose that's how I can stay strong through these moments of tribulation.

I'm alive to live another day for the Lord. I suppose that's all I need.

"There is hope. Should oceans rise and mountains fall, He never fails. So take heart. Let his love lead us through the night. Hold onto Hope. Take Courage again. ...All our troubles. All our tears. God our hope. He has overcome!...All our heartache. All our pain. God our Healer. He has overcome!"

"Take Heart" by Hillsong United

Praise Be to God!!

Praise be to God!! I am healed!!

Relief rushed over me as I heard the doctor say, "You're colon was the size of a 300 pound man, and it was not going to heal. You made the right decision by having surgery." After a week and half past surgery, I can honestly say this is the best life decision/investment that I have ever made in myself. I have not felt this good in three and half years!!

God does make beauty from our pain. He is faithful! He does have plans to prosper us! God does cause things to work for the good of those who love him!!

I feel so blessed! I have my life back again!

I am so excited for the plans he has for my life. I know he will use me in powerful ways, and I can't wait!!

If any of you are going through a difficult time, please hold fast to the Lord. He loves you and will get you through anything! You may not know why bad things are happening to you, but pray and continue to rely on God. He will use those negative moments for huge blessings!

Sunshine Through The Rain

I feel the best I have felt in three years! (The awesome pain killers I'm on could be a contributing factor as well!) It is as if a toxic waste site has been removed from my body. I feel healthy! Today I was able to get a shower too. Now I'm clean on the inside and the outside!!

With all the amazing people praying for me, I am recovering quicker than expected. The doctor said I could get out of the hospital Monday evening. So if you want to visit me before I head back to Wabash for the rest of the month, I would come in the next couple days.

I'm starting to drift in and out so I'm going to close this up before I start ......se.tin.g .d./og.s. .an.d. c.a.t.s. .again with .c..............flagpoles.

Love you!

What Really Matters

Today my devotion focused on storing up treasures for yourself in heaven instead of focusing on storing treasures here on earth. Matthew 6:21 says, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

As I prepare for my surgery tomorrow, this is a great reminder of what really is important.

Serving the Lord on this Earth. It is not about having a flawless figure, but it is about being able to show Christ's love to my neighbors. As I move forward with my life, I only hope that I can maintain a positive attitude and not focus on this "abnormality" that I have chosen to endorse. Instead, I pray I can focus on the fact that this will allow me to do the Lord's work on Earth. I will be able to have enough energy and time (now that I won't have to go to the bathroom all the time) to do things like volunteer at church or work like I have enjoyed doing pre-Crohn's disesase.

Each time I think about this decision I have made, I find another blessing at the end. I have no doubt that this will not be an easy or clean process, but I do know with all my heart that God will carry me through it all. He provides me with all that I need when I need it. Whether it be lovely friends to keep me company while I prep for surgery tomorrow, loved ones to pray me through each day, or a hand made card in the mail to pick me up on the day I need it most, I always seem to make it through each day with the hope of a better tomorrow. As a beautiful red head once said, "the sun'll come out tomorrow!"

Verses to lean on:

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength" Philippians 4: 12-13

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

"¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

There's Gonna Be Brighter Days

I have reached a decision. Coming August 4, I will be having surgery to remove my large intestine. I'm so excited!!! Monday night after meeting with two best friends, they listened to me and helped me come to the realization that I already knew what I wanted. The enjoyment and small pleasures that I receive from food is just too important to cut it out of my life for the possibility of still feeling awful!

Just in the past week of making this decision, my mood has drastically changed. Not only, do I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my shoulders, but I just feel excited about my future again. My dreams will be able to come true with this surgery.

There will be more trials and difficult moments ahead of me with this surgery, but God will bring beauty from all of this. I'm not about to give up, I'm gonna move and keep dancing!!

I love my life and the wonderful people God has blessed it with. I will once again be able to enjoy them and enjoy a piece of chocolate too!!

**I would like to share three songs that God blessed me with after I reached my decision and was driving on my way home. (God and I connect through music) The first one sings about how God will never let me go and he will be with me every step of the way throughout this healing process I am about to embark on. The second song promises that he will bring beauty from my trials and difficult times. Finally, the third song brings encouragement that I will dance again!

Red "Not Alone"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ODDtLMiGnY

Gungor "Beautiful Things"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHOq3N_7A3s

Mercy Me- Move"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmUDDxflt6o

To Poop or Not to Poop? That is the Question!!

**WARNING: This Blog is not for the light at heart or the queasy stomach!**

August 4th, I am scheduled to have my colon removed. This choice will lead me down a path where I will never ever have to endure the painful symptoms of Crohn's Disease. Its inflammatory puss will never again cause me to feel like I am being stabbed in the abdomen constantly. Never again, will I groan in agony as I bleed my own blood from places blood should never be exiting!

I will have the energy to stand at the vanity in the morning and do my hair and makeup. I will be able to eat all the glorious foods that chefs have ingeniously created for my tongue's pleasure and enjoyment. There will be a day when going out to eat with friends and family will no longer be a quizzical excursion as I weave through the maze of No-No's on the menu. The word "chocolate" will never again be included in the sentence, I am not allowed to eat that. Instead, the smell of a freshly opened package of Oreos will be ever so often enjoyed and the taste of the combination of ice cold 2% milk, chocolate, and Oreo filling will make love to my pallet. Oh the agony of not being able to enjoy chocolate will be no more!!

Wa, wa, waa (Debbie Downer ALERT!!)

That last paragraph sounded so good I wanted to eat it! Unfortunately, in order to achieve great things, one must sacrifice great things. For me, this sacrifice would be my colon.

One Large Intestine coming up! Ding!

Not only would I be killing off a much needed body part, but I would be gaining a stoma and a bag to go with my chocolate! ;) (inside joke) For the rest of my life, I would wear a colostomy bag, attached to a whole in my stomach, attached to my small intestine. (I get to keep that! Woot!) At first this would be Hell! The pain of surgery alone would be...well painful. Not to mention, the possibility of leaks of my own feces. May or may not be up there with shitting one's self. The joys of changing the colostomy bag every couple of days and cleaning the bag until you do change it 3 to 4 or more times a day.

Of course, once recovery sets in the pain will wear off. I will find the right style of colostomy bag and accessories (yes accessories are included!) that will limit the bag from leaking. Changing and cleaning the bag will become just as common as changing my clothes and cleaning my underwear. It will be a part of me and my life.

Sex won't be an issue because my husband will love me and my colostomy bag will be a little joke between us. Plus like I said, they have accessories for those intimate adventures.

All in all this doesn't sound so bad, right? But what if there was another way??? Could there really be hope out there for me after trying countless treatments??

There is another side to the coin. Dun Dun Dun! The plot thickens!!!

In less than a month, I have to decide between having surgery or choosing a life with restraints and discipline. This equals no CHOCOLATE!!! Oh the Horrors!!! Catching on to my dilemma??

For the last month and a half, I have been experimenting with this a specific carbohydrate diet (SCD) that supposedly can rid me of my symptoms of Crohn's Disease and restore my life. I could once again be filled with health and wellness. I could enjoy the opportunities God has placed before me instead of rotting away in another bathroom. No more thought of wearing a colostomy bag. All it takes is a lot of discipline, eating only healthy foods, and saying no to the beloved Chocolate and Oreo cookie....at least for a few years. Easier said than done!

The diet really isn't so bad once you say goodbye to those beloved foods that once brought comfort to your life. You get over watching people enjoy your mom's brownies and chocolate chip cookies. Every meal is planned out in order to ensure you don't eat an "illegal" food. No starch, sugar, milk, or chocolate. Dining out= I'll have an order of salad with no cheese, croutons, or dressing please. Leave the chicken on the side.

I can eat any fruit, vegetable, and meat that is not processed, canned, or has any additives. I can use honey to sweeten my food. Banana cake is a new favorite of mine and SCD legal monster cookies. So I do still get some form of a treat.

You must be thinking...what the hell are you thinking?? Choose the diet!! Eat healthy food and be healthy or eat what ever I want when I want and wear a colostomy bag. Duh go with the diet!!

That's kind of my thinking too. Except for the fact that I'm getting married in 9 months, and I could still be sick even I follow the diet fanatically. If I have the surgery it's like I'm instantly cured minus a month or two of recovery. The diet offers a lot of unknowns, forces patience, and could be just as painful as having surgery for a longer amount of recovery time. For a Crohn's patient, the diet could take up to two or three years to fully rid them of their symptoms. After your last symptom, you must stay on the diet for another year before even thinking of adding any "regular" foods back to your diet. Ugh what's a person to do??

If I knew the diet would work and I would feel better at the end of two years, I would not have this issue. It's scary when facing the unknown. I have plans that I want to see fulfilled and not hindered by my disease. I don't want to face postponing or simplifying my wedding because I'm sick. I want to enjoy these next nine months of engagement.

The problem is, I go see the doctor next week and I have been on the diet for a month and a half. I am on a lower dose of Prednisone (my best friend and worst enemy). I can tell the lower I go on dose, the more frequently I sprint to the bathroom. I am becoming more tired and losing my appetite. I really wanted to be improving not depleting. But then there is the question, maybe it takes more time to heal than I am allowing. I can't expect to feel great in a month and a half, and maybe I should just stay at a low dose for another month and then continue weaning off my meds again. So many unknowns!!

I feel like I need to know if the diet will work by August 4th or else! Talk about a stressful decision...oh wait I am!

I thought that writing this blog would lead me to my answer, but instead I'm left tired and just as confused as when I started.

Here is my decision: I'm going to stay at 10mg of Prednisone for another month. Try going back to the intro part of the diet to see if that helps with some of the symptoms. Reevaluate my situation and decide to have surgery or continue to postpone it.

Alright God, I'm stepping out in blind faith. Here goes the food processor...I mean here goes nothing.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Which is more difficult?

I have been on my diet now for a week and a half. It has come with its challenges, such as bringing my own food to Carburetion Day, skipping out on Mexican food and eating a salad instead, or bypassing mom's yummy punch and brownies. Though giving up some comfort food may be difficult, a wise man (My wonderful fiancée) offered me this perspective on the matter: "Which is harder, the bag or the diet?" I have to say that really made me appreciate this diet and the good food and nutrition it is bringing to my body.

I know the Lord has beautiful plans of prosperity for my life. If it is for me to have surgery, I am totally accepting of that. So many blessings will flow from my surgery, but I would definitely not mind postponing or omitting the surgery all together if possible. (I'm still trying to work something out with him...)

I keep thinking that all of this has been a faith building exercise, and I faithfully believe that God always gives you what you need when you need it. In my thoughts, I am reminded of the story of Abraham being asked to sacrifice his son. Like Abraham, I am about ready to sacrifice a pretty vital organ. I am willing to do that too. It is my hopes that maybe at the last moment, God will provide me with an alternative solution (like maybe a Specific Carbohydrate Diet) to prevent this surgery from happening like God provided Abraham with a ram as he was about to sacrifice his son.

Only time will tell if this diet is working or if surgery is inevitable. In the meantime, I will choose to walk by faith, hope, and love. With love being the greatest of these three, I will be fulfilled and content with my circumstances because I know my heavenly Father only has my best interest at his amazing heart! He will hold me in his arms and carry me through whatever my future holds.

Bible Story:

Genesis 22 New International Version (NIV)

Abraham Tested

¹ Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!”

“Here I am,” he replied.

² Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”

³ Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. ⁴ On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. ⁵ He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.”

⁶ Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, ⁷ Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”

“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.

“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”

⁸ Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.

⁹ When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. ¹⁰ Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. ¹¹ But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”

“Here I am,” he replied.

¹² “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.”

¹³ Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram^[a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. ¹⁴ So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided.”

Control Freak

Do you ever just get tired of having to control things you have no control over? This thought may be a bit of a brain twister for you, but I'll explain.

In my situation, I have no control over the fact I have Crohn's Disease. The fact that I have Crohn's Disease forces me to control my lifestyle or suffer the consequences. This lifestyle means not enjoying favorite cuisine, going to bed before my grandpa, not hanging out in bars, not eating out that often, and basically planning my outings around my BM schedule.

So this doesn't sound so bad. For the most part, it's not. It is just sometimes I feel so confined! I just want to be irresponsible. Lose control. I want to eat a piece of cake or have a hot dog and beer. These little things most people take for granted or don't even think about are things I rarely or never get to do. Boo hoo poor me right. Get over myself. Don't worry I will right after I post this.

Today the Lord blesses you and me with three verses:

John 16:33 ESV / 73 helpful votes

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Matthew 11:28-29 ESV / 51 helpful votes

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Revelation 21:4 ESV / 29 helpful votes

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

The Best Things in Life

Apparently, my readers have missed my blogging. So here I am writing again. I know it has been a while so I will fill you in on a few of my most recent blessings.

The love of my life and I are engaged!! We are planning for an April wedding next year. Not only have I been blessed with a wonderful man, I have also recently battled against my body to complete the Indianapolis OneAmerica Mini Marathon. My friend and I were able to complete it in 3 hours!! Training was a difficult journey and this was a big accomplishment for the both of us. Those are the two main blessings I have to share, but the Lord continues to bless me daily with multiple little blessings.

Since my last message I have decided to have surgery. Only two more months left until my life will be changed forever...unless...

Ok so here's the thing, I recently was told about this book called "Breaking the Vicious Cycle: Intestinal Health through Diet." Many readers of this book report that they are free from symptoms of Crohn's and are off their medications. This diet is very strict and will be very difficult. I know if I can survive flare ups and minis marathons, that I can be disciplined enough to try this diet out at least for two months. If it can help me enough to get on a lower dosage of steroids before August, then maybe, just maybe, I can avoid or at least post pone having surgery. This book has given me new hope of a more normal tomorrow. It will mean a lifestyle change for me and my future husband, but I know we are strong enough to make it through this challenge as well. I will lean on the strength of the Lord and the knowledge he has plans for my prosperity. I had thought I was ready to give up the fight, but maybe there is something still worth fighting for. The most difficult challenges we go through in life, often turn out to be the best things for us.

I will keep you posted on my journey these next two months.

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.